The geese will fuck you up this time of year

Also, I'm terrified of what ICE is doing in the U.S.

We’re heading into the glory days in the Netherlands. The light is returning, the days are longer, the first flowers of spring are blooming, the geese are extra aggressive because their spring babies are coming, and every day will be longer, sunnier, and more sparkling. We’re getting our little canal boat, The Shrimp Whisker (Shrimpy) ready for her season, and soon I’ll be tooling around the canals, whiling away the lazy summer days, admiring the clouds, dreaming.

There’s so much to be happy about right now. I passed ALL my Dutch language exams for permanent residency, James and I met with a Makelaar (real estate agent) to start the ball rolling on finding an apartment for us to buy, (we’ve been renting since we moved here six years ago, but our landlord is selling our gothic, crumbling, haunted house and it’s time for us to downsize from this grand home that we love, that has loved us so well in return, and invest in a place of our own), and I turned in 100 pages for my manuscript review for the essay collection I’m working on. Such good things.

The problem is I’m buffeted with worry. James and I flew back to Amsterdam from San Francisco last week, and ICE was waiting on the jetway as we boarded the plane. We’d already passed through security, and walked through the gate to board, and suddenly there was a wall of ICE checking documents. I was asked for my documents. This scares the living shit out of me because our kid, who is nonbinary and has an X for their gender on their American passport, will be traveling solo to and from the Netherlands for spring break and I am terrified of them being detained. Trump is not following the rule of law, so anyone can be detained, regardless if it’s illegal to do so. We’re already seeing incidences of people being detained in jail cells — the Canadian woman whose visa paperwork was incomplete, the German national with a U.S. green card, The professor from Columbia. Our kid was legally issued an American passport with an X for their gender, but Trump has indicated his administration won’t recognize any gender other than male or female and it’s unclear what this means for people who hold these documents. This is the definition of living under authoritarian rule — the person with authority makes the rules. Trump has defied court orders and so far no one has stopped him. I’m freaking the fuck out. Just the fact that ICE was checking documents for people leaving the country (in addition to coming in) indicates something nefarious. This is what I’ve been worried about, and I am still so filled with rage towards anyone who did not vote for Harris/Walz. This is all on you, motherfuckers.

I don’t think most Americans understand how dangerous things are. That no one is safe. That norms and guardrails are gone. That’s the way authoritarian rule works.

Also, the Dutch newspaper headlines say The Netherlands is afraid of, and preparing, for war. Fucking Putin.

I feel crazy — I mean I am crazy and that’s fine, it’s one of my finer attributes, but I feel extra off the rails because one minute I’m so fucking happy, living this fairytale life of our dreams, and the next my heart is racing because I’m so scared for the people I love.

Writing helps. Putting my words on a page is how I make sense of my feelings and the world, even when the world makes no sense. It’s how I cope, and I am so grateful to have this community. Rosie O’Donnell is here on Substack! She’s figuring out how this (not intuitive at all) platform works, doing her best, and her poems make me cry — they are so beautiful and I feel so much solidarity with what she’s going through. I love her. I love her! I don’t care if anyone disagrees. Back off haters.

I love you all too. Thank you for being here with me.

xoxo

Do not mess around with these geese — they mean serious business. I know how they feel. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect my baby, too.