Dispatch from the European Heatwave

We've all gone a little mad around here

We’re on day five of the European heat wave. The temps started rising on Tuesday and by Wednesday it was officially hot as balls and Friday the Netherlands issued a Code Red because it was going to be the hottest day ever recorded and it’s dangerous as hell.

I am not going to bother with the fools who claim the heat in Europe is like a typical Wednesday in Florida. If you are still making that argument you are willfully ignorant because there have been enough record breaking heat waves in Europe in the last ten years that everyone on the planet should know that it’s different over here due to lack of AC anywhere — not in houses or schools (which are still in session here), offices, public transport, hospitals, etc. We have tiny fridges and freezers, and lack ice. It’s light out from 4 am until 10 pm. Houses here are made of brick and concrete that trap heat. We don’t have cars — we ride our bikes or walk or take public transpo. I took the bus on Wednesday and it was like stepping into Satan’s asshole, crammed with sweaty and wilted people. I only had to ride four stops and when I got out the air outside was cooler than on the bus. Also, it’s not supposed to be this hot in this part of the world, ever. But it has been. Every year hotter than the last, setting record temps, and the infrastructure has not caught up.

I’m too hot and cranky to get into the pedantic reasons for lack of AC over here. In a nutshell, Europe is old as shit and you can’t just install AC into some of these old buildings, but even the new buildings don’t have it because the Dutch are fighting climate change over here like a mouse with a toothpick doing battle with the Kraken and they are unbending on their climate goals and believe AC contributes to the problem. I am not onboard with this argument. My kid’s school went through a multi-year, multi million euro renovation a few years ago and did not install AC despite there being record setting heatwaves that are worse every year, and the kids are still in school until July. There were days when my kid cooked in that school and the administration’s only concession was that the kids didn’t have to wear ties with their uniforms and it infuriates me so much I can not even tell you. If you try to install AC in your house your neighbors in your coop building, or even next door, will file a complaint with the city and you will be denied a permit. I know this first hand because our next door neighbors were apparently going to install AC and the neighbors who live four buildings down stopped us on the street and asked us to sign their petition to prevent the AC from going in because they didn’t want to hear the noise. I did not sign that petition and shared my thinking on why they need to remove their heads from their asses on this subject, which they absorbed stoically yet remained unmoved, like true Dutchies, whom I love, but disagree with on this matter.

During one of the record setting heatwaves a couple of years ago our elderly labrador Brian suffered a stroke because of the heat so we made a swimming pool for him in the garden to help him stay cool during his final days. That’s the reality of how horrible the heatwaves are here. I’m grateful we don’t have a dog right now but our cat is not too happy, either. We let her out in the mornings before it’s too hot, but then we have the challenge of getting her inside, which she does not appreciate. She has pattern recognition and the moment we start the tricks to get her inside she’s like no way, assholes, this is how you act when you shove me in my carrier and bike me to the vet, I’m not coming in.

All this said, we are doing better than most, and my heart goes out to the people of France and the UK who have it even worse. Sending you all so much love and strength.

It took us a few seasons of heatwaves to figure out how to manage. We now keep our house completely dark and closed up. We don’t use the oven. We close off the rooms in the front of the house that get the most heat and live in the small rooms downstairs that stay cooler. We don’t run around doing unnecessary activities — we conserve our energy. I am a delicate flower and am heat intolerant, but I’m lucky because I have the flexibility to hunker down and ride it out. When we got the forecast for this week I preemptively canceled all my plans for the week and James took Friday (the hottest day) off so we could spend the day on Shrimpy. We sailed her out to our swimming spot on the Amstel and moored under a shady tree and spent the entire afternoon and evening floating in the cold, refreshing water. Lekker. After my swim it was tits out. No one needs the aggravation of being additionally overstimulated by a wet, clingy bathing suit. On this, the Dutchies and I are aligned.

There’s not much to do during a European heatwave. I finished reading a novel, which was a big accomplishment because my brain has been too broken to read lately. I take cold baths and think about time travel. I’m constantly working out the laws of time travel, but in my ideal scenario I have a portal where I can pop back and forth whenever I want. I have access to everything I need in the modern world — showers, vaccines, the internet, but nothing I do while traveling to the past affects the current timeline. I have a few favorite time travel scenarios. I want to hang out with Led Zeppelin at the Plaza Hotel in NYC, but not as a groupie or fan — as a peer. My time travel magic allows me to have the body I had at 25 years old, but all the wisdom and experience of my current 54-year-old self. I can stick around in the past long enough to master any skill I want, and in this scenario I’m a fellow musician so I get to hang out with Led Zeppelin and David Bowie and Freddie Mercury and I have their respect and admiration as such. I also bebop back to the year 1999 and I get the role of Satine in Moulin Rouge (displacing Nicole Kidman, sorry babe). In this scenario I’ve attended Julliard and trained my voice and acting skills and Baz Luhrmann is appropriately enchanted by me so I get the role easily and win an Academy Award. This is the type of thing I like to do in my time travels. I’m not trying to stop the Kennedy assassinations or prevent 9/11 or anything of that nature — I’m going to have the most fun with the most interesting people and that is all.

When I’m not time traveling I watch TikToks. I reinstalled TikTok on my phone (I was trying to break my addiction, but fuck it.) Somehow Alix Earle has worked her way into my algo and I am doing my best not to engage but she’s the kind of person I find fascinating. Repelled and attracted in equal measure. It reminds me of the brief period of time I lived on the Upper East Side of Manhattan and I threw my drink on some WASPY bitches at Rathbones. I could not help myself. They were so pretty and mean I wanted to eat them and punch them. Some of you will never understand this, and that’s okay. You are probably normal. I am not.

I love TikTok so much. I watch endless videos of the Scots in Boston and I can’t wait for our trip to Scotland next week. It’s going to be so fun. We’re going to Oban for a friend’s birthday — a full weekend of music and celebration. James is bringing some of his instruments and has been practicing songs to play during the ceilidh. James is a left-handed Scottish Kerr (look it up). His tattoo is of his family crest and motto, which translates to “Late But In Earnest”. His ancestors were a border clan, conscripted by the British, but at the last minute they rebelled and fought for the Scots instead. (He’s also Dutch on his mother’s side. His great grandparents were farmers in Friesland, but he was born in Canada because his American parents were hippies. He’s a sexy beast, all around.)

That’s another thing about the heat. It gets your blood up. I alternate between wanting to fight and wanting to have sex. Luckily James is onboard with both and remains undaunted when I yell “don’t put your hot hands on my skin!!!”.

Did you know the ear piercings you got in the 80s never close up even though you haven’t worn earrings in them in over 30 years and if you pinch them your fingers will smell like old cheese and you can keep sniffing them for as long as you want and even offer to let your husband smell them? Because you can.

It’s all a bit of madness. I get a little crazy. I remember when I was seven years old and we lived in Texas and a big rig truck must have taken a wrong turn and it ended up driving down my street and I recognized a logo on its side as a type of ice cream I like and I flagged the truck down and told the driver to wait there while I ran inside and yelled at my mother that I needed some money for the ice cream truck and she gave me a quarter and I told her I didn’t think it was enough and she looked out the window and saw the 18 wheeler parked in front of our house and she was shocked (and impressed) and took her purse outside to buy a warehouse-sized box of ice cream sandwiches for me and my little brother.

We have two more days of this heat before it’s supposed to break and I’m doing my best to stay out of trouble until then. Wish me luck. Xoxo

The kids are all so cute swimming in the canals and jumping off bridges. They always want us to pull them on our SUP and sometimes we do, if it feels safe enough. I love Amsterdam so much!!

Apologies if you came upon Stroopwaffled via my last wholesome gardening post and feel as though you’ve been misled, took a wrong path, and ended up on the mad side of the looking glass. Stroopwaffled contains multitudes. All are welcome here, and I hope you will stick around, but I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay.